What do you say?

I wrote about friendship once before when I had a friend who I thought I could trust, someone I cared about. I lost that friend. Big deal. They come and go, right? I wish it was that simple.

It's not that simple because I've never been a person who can trust and be comfortable with others. In other words, I don't make friends easily. I learned the hard lesson as a kid that most friends are superficial. Most just want things from you... a ride in your car, money, cigarettes, etc. As long as you provide for their needs you are a friend. It took awhile, but I learned that I had very few real friends by my late teens. Now when I do make a friend, a real friend, I do it when I feel safe with that person. I want to do anything for them and accept their faults because I want them to accept me with my faults.

I know what happened to cause my ex-friend to turn on me, to de-friend me in SL, but I don't know why what I did was so terrible. I made a mistake. I took her photo. When she started yelling I deleted the photo without anyone ever seeing it. I apologized. I begged forgiveness. It did no good.

First I was shocked. I didn't know what to say. Then I got angry. How could she end our friendship so callously? Then I got depressed. I tried again to talk to her. She finally started talking to me. She even expected me to say hello when we were in the same sim together and pretend nothing happened. Another friend told me to give it time and I have tried. I tried to show that I still liked her, that I respected her, that I still wanted her friendship. That changed last night. She went out of her way to be hurtful.

I've been trying to move on with my SL, even though I have been as much fun to be around as a cat's box that needs cleaning. I sit or stand in one place and hope I can think of something cute or witty to add to the conversation, but when you are depressed that is hard to do. So most of the time I sit there on the wall, mute and alone. But last night a newbie came up to me and said hello. Being a newbie, she had nothing in her profile, so I started talking to her. She was Brazilian and her avatar was not that good looking. Newbies rarely are until someone helps them find a skin and shape that looks more realistic and shows them where to shop for free clothes. Old hands know that and usually help a newbie unless they start talking obnoxious. My ex-friend thought to give me some advice. She suggested that Brazilians are hot, but in this case "Eeew".

Most of the people I know, whose RL photos I've seen, are your average middle-aged people. Most of us, but not all, are a bit overweight and past our prime. I make no bones about the fact I am overweight, out of shape, have a heart condition, and take way too many prescription drugs because I am overweight, etc.

I have a good looking avatar (my opinion and others), but I know that is not the true me, nor is it the true anyone else. We chose to look one way in SL, that represents our ideal self, or our fantasy self, but rarely our real self.

The very same ex-friend, who has the nerve to criticize the looks of a newbie, picking on her solely because the girl was talking to me, this ex-friend used to talk about how it's more important who you are inside and not your appearance. I can only assume she did it because she didn't care whether she hurt my feelings or that of the newbie.

I guess we are 'even' now. I did something she won't forgive. She did something that I shouldn't forgive.

Ideally you make a friend forever. You might not see them for months or even years, but when you do, you pick up where you left off. Friends stick with you when times are hard. You might not have the right words to say, but you try to say something.

What do you say to someone who just told you they had been molested as a child, or facing an ugly divorce and an uncertain future, or that they are critically ill with a debilitating disease that will only get worse and more crippling? What do you say when a young girl in her early 20s, who claims to be 105, tells you the headaches won't go away. What do you say to the lovely English lady who hopes her cancer stays in remission. DAMMIT! WHAT DO YOU SAY? TELL ME!

Tell me, because that is just a few of the things my 'friends' in SL have told me. I've tried to be loving and supportive and I KEEP FAILING to be the best friend I can be. I keep losing friends. Three so far are no longer in SL. Two were incurable and I hope they past gently into the next world. I am hoping the third is still alive although she is not online anymore. She said she would have to give up SL one day.

I've run out of words to say. I'm exhausted. I have tried hard, maybe too hard, to be something that maybe I wasn't meant to be. Maybe I wasn't meant to be anyone's friend. I need to stay away from SL for awhile and let things quiet down. Maybe with time I can gain some perspective. Despite all my pain and despair, I am closing with another poem about friends that I found on the Internet.

You My Friend

You my friend
You don't always show it,
but I know that you care.

You My friend
If I'd ever need you,
I know you'd be there.

You I'm glad you're my friend.
Your smile makes me smile.
Your pain makes me hurt.

You My friend
I want you to know:
If you need me--I'm there.
make you happy, make you laugh.

You My friend
Sometimes you make me mad,
but I can't stay mad.

You My friend
Sometimes I want to get away from you.
And sometimes there's nothing I want more than:
to talk to you, to tell you about my day,
to hear about yours, to laugh with you,
to tease you, to share an inside joke,
that no one else would get,
to argue with you,
but know we're just kidding..

You My friend
Do you remember the time when...?
There are so many times.

You My friend
Don't ever lose the wonderful person you are.
Stay happy. Stay healthy. Stay you.

You My friend
I'll never stop being your friend.
Don't ever stop being mine.

You My friend
Just wanted to tell you:
I care.

~Author Unknown

How Do You Play This Game?

If you have read my previous posting, this is a typical newbie question that Second Life residents hear nearly everyday. I may put this on a notecard and hand it out to newbies. I might need to give it to some of the older Second Lifers too.

A game? No, this is not a game. You can play games here, but this is a virtual world. I live here (at least part of my time) and my friends live here. We are all have different reasons to be in SL. Some of us run businesses. Others are gamers. Still more are builders, and thank God for them. They design our clothes, our homes, all the HUDs and attachments we use. The main thing is that Second Life is a community. This is my community. I live here.

Any time you put people together the need develops for social order. Some people think Linden Labs just arbitrarily made up the TOS, but the Terms Of Service come from the need for people to interact in a fashion that is acceptable to the group as a whole.

So in a PG area you are not allowed to run around naked. Vulgar and obscene language is not tolerated. What you say in IM is one thing, but in Local Chat and Voice Chat anyone and everyone can hear you and frankly dude, I don't want to know how big your pixel dick is nor do I want to see it.

Mature areas of SL have different rules and they are much looser. So if your vocabulary is so limited that you have to used profanity as an adjective and verb in every sentence, then go to a sim where that is acceptable and cuss to your little, slimy heart's content. If you want to try out those new sex poses your found in the freebie shops, try them in a mature sim not in the middle of Morris Welcome Area.

Funny thing though. If you go to a mature sim, one of the first things that often happens in the landing zone is you get a notecard of specific rules. I don't think there is anywhere in SL that is completely lawless. I may be wrong, but if there is, I don't want to go there.

But back to the SL community in general. Like I said, we residents live here. We have invested part of our real lives here. Most of us just want to live in peace. We are tolerant of others and put up with newbie questions. We all come here with different religious and political beliefs. I might state mine from time to time, but I don't expect you to agree with me. I hope I can learn something about your background and culture while you are learning about mine. The fact that, on a daily basis, I can talk to Americans. Canadians, Brits, Scots, Aussies, Kiwis, as well as people from Spain, the Netherlands, Belgium, Brazil, Germany, Poland, Russia, the Ukraine, and Japan is fantastic. We come from different places, but we all have the same human needs and we frequently discover that we have some of the same interests and share the same fears and hopes for our planet. Second Life is not a game. It is so much more. We live, and love, laugh and cry. I am here to enjoy life. I hope you are here to do that too.

How to Recognize a Newbie

new• bie ['n(y)oobe]
noun (pl - bies) an inexperienced newcomer especially in computers.
also NOOB

We all have seen them. We all have joked about them. And face it folks, we all have been them. Everyday hundreds of newbies log into Second Life for the first time. Some have other in-world gaming experience so it is a matter of getting their feet wet and learning the particularities of SL. For others, the great IT gods help them, haven't a single clue about why or even how they got to this particular place and time. It amazes the rest of us that they even know how to boot their computers!

So how do you recognize a newbie. If you are a newbie, here is how the rest of us know even before looking at your birthday in your profile.

• How do I play this game?
  
• How did I get here?
  
• How do I get to back to where I was?
  
• How do I get a job?
  
• Where do I go to have sex?
  
• How do I get money?
  
• How do I get clothes?
  
• What is a landmark?
  
• How do I teleport?
  
• Where are you from? (and without waiting) How old are you?
  
• How do I take off my skin?
  
• I can't find my clothes.
  
• How do I open this box?
  
• Walking around with a box attached.
  
• A friendship invitation out of the blue without speaking first.
  
• Bumping into everyone.
  
• Standing in a welcome area editing appearance for 20 minutes.
  
• The inadvertent newbie leap in the middle of a conversation.
  
• Still wearing the pink prim skirt after changing clothes the first time.
  
• Males - blue and grey shirt
  
• Females - that awful pink dress!
  
• Newbie skin.
  
• Non-prim newbie hair.

I know that some of you SL regulars have your own favorites, so please comment and let me hear them.

If you are a newbie, the good news is that it wears off in time, quickly for most of us. Watch and listen. Help is out there. Look for SL Mentors in the welcome areas, ask questions in local chat. Lots of us are willing to help when asked nicely. Also, even though you can't get back to Help Island where you started, you can go to Pubic Help Island where there are always helpers on duty and lots of tutorials available.

If you are a newbie there is no shame to asking for help, but remember we regulars may look like we are standing around doing nothing at all, but we might be trying to reorganize our inventories, talking in IM or voice, reading email, checking a website, monitoring a business, or maybe have just ran to the bathroom, so we may not be paying attention to you.

If you are a regular be nice. Cut the noobs some slack and don't just laugh at their inexperience. Remember the first person to help you? Aren't you glad they did?

Before and After

Here are two photos of me. The first is a photo I came across a few days ago. It is my very first avatar on my very first day of Second Life on April 18, 2008. I give you the newbie Harry, complete with the medieval shirt. The only thing missing is that stupid torch.

Now compare that to 13 months later. The new improved Harry has realistic skin, better body shape and clothes that don't scream noob at everyone in sight. Today I am wearing a western outfit, but that is not my only look. I have a tux if I am taking a pretty girl to a nice ballroom for dancing. I have trunks and a Hawiian shirt for the beach or pool. You need a lot of clothes in Second Life just like Real Life to fit the occasion. Which reminds me, I also have a doctor's outfit and the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz, but I'll leave that for another posting.