I wrote about friendship once before when I had a friend who I thought I could trust, someone I cared about. I lost that friend. Big deal. They come and go, right? I wish it was that simple.
It's not that simple because I've never been a person who can trust and be comfortable with others. In other words, I don't make friends easily. I learned the hard lesson as a kid that most friends are superficial. Most just want things from you... a ride in your car, money, cigarettes, etc. As long as you provide for their needs you are a friend. It took awhile, but I learned that I had very few real friends by my late teens. Now when I do make a friend, a real friend, I do it when I feel safe with that person. I want to do anything for them and accept their faults because I want them to accept me with my faults.
I know what happened to cause my ex-friend to turn on me, to de-friend me in SL, but I don't know why what I did was so terrible. I made a mistake. I took her photo. When she started yelling I deleted the photo without anyone ever seeing it. I apologized. I begged forgiveness. It did no good.
First I was shocked. I didn't know what to say. Then I got angry. How could she end our friendship so callously? Then I got depressed. I tried again to talk to her. She finally started talking to me. She even expected me to say hello when we were in the same sim together and pretend nothing happened. Another friend told me to give it time and I have tried. I tried to show that I still liked her, that I respected her, that I still wanted her friendship. That changed last night. She went out of her way to be hurtful.
I've been trying to move on with my SL, even though I have been as much fun to be around as a cat's box that needs cleaning. I sit or stand in one place and hope I can think of something cute or witty to add to the conversation, but when you are depressed that is hard to do. So most of the time I sit there on the wall, mute and alone. But last night a newbie came up to me and said hello. Being a newbie, she had nothing in her profile, so I started talking to her. She was Brazilian and her avatar was not that good looking. Newbies rarely are until someone helps them find a skin and shape that looks more realistic and shows them where to shop for free clothes. Old hands know that and usually help a newbie unless they start talking obnoxious. My ex-friend thought to give me some advice. She suggested that Brazilians are hot, but in this case "Eeew".
Most of the people I know, whose RL photos I've seen, are your average middle-aged people. Most of us, but not all, are a bit overweight and past our prime. I make no bones about the fact I am overweight, out of shape, have a heart condition, and take way too many prescription drugs because I am overweight, etc.
I have a good looking avatar (my opinion and others), but I know that is not the true me, nor is it the true anyone else. We chose to look one way in SL, that represents our ideal self, or our fantasy self, but rarely our real self.
The very same ex-friend, who has the nerve to criticize the looks of a newbie, picking on her solely because the girl was talking to me, this ex-friend used to talk about how it's more important who you are inside and not your appearance. I can only assume she did it because she didn't care whether she hurt my feelings or that of the newbie.
I guess we are 'even' now. I did something she won't forgive. She did something that I shouldn't forgive.
Ideally you make a friend forever. You might not see them for months or even years, but when you do, you pick up where you left off. Friends stick with you when times are hard. You might not have the right words to say, but you try to say something.
What do you say to someone who just told you they had been molested as a child, or facing an ugly divorce and an uncertain future, or that they are critically ill with a debilitating disease that will only get worse and more crippling? What do you say when a young girl in her early 20s, who claims to be 105, tells you the headaches won't go away. What do you say to the lovely English lady who hopes her cancer stays in remission. DAMMIT! WHAT DO YOU SAY? TELL ME!
Tell me, because that is just a few of the things my 'friends' in SL have told me. I've tried to be loving and supportive and I KEEP FAILING to be the best friend I can be. I keep losing friends. Three so far are no longer in SL. Two were incurable and I hope they past gently into the next world. I am hoping the third is still alive although she is not online anymore. She said she would have to give up SL one day.
I've run out of words to say. I'm exhausted. I have tried hard, maybe too hard, to be something that maybe I wasn't meant to be. Maybe I wasn't meant to be anyone's friend. I need to stay away from SL for awhile and let things quiet down. Maybe with time I can gain some perspective. Despite all my pain and despair, I am closing with another poem about friends that I found on the Internet.
You My Friend
You my friend
You don't always show it,
but I know that you care.
You My friend
If I'd ever need you,
I know you'd be there.
You I'm glad you're my friend.
Your smile makes me smile.
Your pain makes me hurt.
You My friend
I want you to know:
If you need me--I'm there.
make you happy, make you laugh.
You My friend
Sometimes you make me mad,
but I can't stay mad.
You My friend
Sometimes I want to get away from you.
And sometimes there's nothing I want more than:
to talk to you, to tell you about my day,
to hear about yours, to laugh with you,
to tease you, to share an inside joke,
that no one else would get,
to argue with you,
but know we're just kidding..
You My friend
Do you remember the time when...?
There are so many times.
You My friend
Don't ever lose the wonderful person you are.
Stay happy. Stay healthy. Stay you.
You My friend
I'll never stop being your friend.
Don't ever stop being mine.
You My friend
Just wanted to tell you:
I care.
~Author Unknown
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