Just a brief post today. My friend, the author, Rachael de Vienne asked me to write a guest post on her blog. I had hesitated because I couldn't think of a worthy topic. Last night it struck me to write about her. I wrote about how I met her and how our friendship has grown.
Go to Who Said Pixies Are Rational Creatures and read my post.
Don't stop there. Read her blog and discover why I am so enamoured with her.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Let me give it one more whack.
A wonderful friend of mine is a writer, a published writer. Rachael de Vienne wrote Pixie Warrior and has co-authored a book of religious history. I have read just about everything of hers that I can find on the web. She suggested that I take part in Coyote Con, the online writers conference of speculative fiction and fantasy, and has been encouraging me to write my own stories.
I had the bug when I was younger. When I was a teenager I wrote and illustrated my own comics. My neighbor from across the street wrote comics too and we were characters in each others works. But when high school ended so did the comics. The writing didn't though. I kept producing short (very short) stories that always ran out of steam before I could reach a conclusion. My one attempt at a novel (insert polite giggle here) stopped after the title and a few vignettes of scenes. I knew how the story started, but I had no idea how it would end.
Anyhow that is all past. I have gotten that itch again. I have the need to put words on paper and try to tell a story. The most common piece of advice I have heard over the years is to write about something you know. The second most common one is to do your research.
I am trying to take those things to heart. There are two things I am concerned about right now. One is my own mental health and the other is my experiences in Second Life. My wife and my therapist would probably agree that they go hand in hand.
What if a person is depressed? He has been depressed for most of his life. He is withdrawn, with a low self esteem despite the fact that he is often very good at the things he does. He is in therapy but has hit a wall of sorts. He can't get to the root of his problems and overcome them. He reads about an experimental project, where using a newly designed digital interface a person can go into a virtual world without the necessity of a computer keyboard, monitor and headset. It is too memory intensive for most computers and requires very high bandwidth. A disturbing side effect is that the players have experienced simulations and characters in the virtual world that were not generated by other players, but by their own brains.
Our man sees the possibilities of going into a virtual world to hunt and face his inner demons. With the help of the program's developer and his therapist, who act as online chaperones, he goes into a small virtual world using the digital interface. His two companions follow along using a standard browser. At first his lets them follow along, but he discovers that he must evade them to pursue his demons.
In the end he meets and learns from an alternate personality of himself what was the cause of his insecurity from childhood and begins the journey to happiness with himself.
I've started the research and I've started sketching out the characters. The virtual world will be based on my experience on 2 different grids and I may explore others before I am done.
I had the bug when I was younger. When I was a teenager I wrote and illustrated my own comics. My neighbor from across the street wrote comics too and we were characters in each others works. But when high school ended so did the comics. The writing didn't though. I kept producing short (very short) stories that always ran out of steam before I could reach a conclusion. My one attempt at a novel (insert polite giggle here) stopped after the title and a few vignettes of scenes. I knew how the story started, but I had no idea how it would end.
Anyhow that is all past. I have gotten that itch again. I have the need to put words on paper and try to tell a story. The most common piece of advice I have heard over the years is to write about something you know. The second most common one is to do your research.
I am trying to take those things to heart. There are two things I am concerned about right now. One is my own mental health and the other is my experiences in Second Life. My wife and my therapist would probably agree that they go hand in hand.
What if a person is depressed? He has been depressed for most of his life. He is withdrawn, with a low self esteem despite the fact that he is often very good at the things he does. He is in therapy but has hit a wall of sorts. He can't get to the root of his problems and overcome them. He reads about an experimental project, where using a newly designed digital interface a person can go into a virtual world without the necessity of a computer keyboard, monitor and headset. It is too memory intensive for most computers and requires very high bandwidth. A disturbing side effect is that the players have experienced simulations and characters in the virtual world that were not generated by other players, but by their own brains.
Our man sees the possibilities of going into a virtual world to hunt and face his inner demons. With the help of the program's developer and his therapist, who act as online chaperones, he goes into a small virtual world using the digital interface. His two companions follow along using a standard browser. At first his lets them follow along, but he discovers that he must evade them to pursue his demons.
In the end he meets and learns from an alternate personality of himself what was the cause of his insecurity from childhood and begins the journey to happiness with himself.
I've started the research and I've started sketching out the characters. The virtual world will be based on my experience on 2 different grids and I may explore others before I am done.
Friday, May 28, 2010
On Being A Bastard
When I entered Second Life a little over two years ago I began exploring and discovered many things. I got into a few relationships that were unusual by most standards, and I found myself finally deciding that I wanted to find someone to have a normal simulated life with - a home and a family.
It took several tries, but I thought a found what I wanted. I partnered and married. We bought a house together. We got "pregnant", or at least she did, and we went through a 12 week pregnancy leading to a (prim) baby girl.
It should have been so good. I wish it had been. There were so many things that lead me to leave her. Yes, I was the bastard. I left her. We had gotten very close, but I was beginning to feel guilty about my real wife not knowing what I was doing. My SL wife even encouraged me to tell my real wife what I was doing. When I told my therapist* about it, she said I had to be truthful. I need to either tell my wife or end the relationship. I agonized about it. I didn't want to end the relationship. My SL wife was a sweet and loving woman. She needed me in her life and she filled a need in mine for intimacy that had faded away. The alternative of telling my real wife was risky. I might have to quit SL altogether if she demanded it. My real wife can be less than understanding at times.
"Hi Honey. Did I tell you I am having an online relationship with another woman? We are partnered and are having a simulated baby. Just thought you might want to know."
"No Dear. You didn't tell me. Here, let me give you an unsimulated head concussion."
Well I was very hesitant. It took me almost a month to get up the nerve. When I finally found a private moment, where she was in a good mood, I told her that I had an SL wife.
"I know," she replied coldly. Then she continued, "but what really bothers me is the amount of money you spend in THAT game."
With a huge sigh of relief I promised to stop spending so much money. I had not realized that over a period of three months I had spent about $120, around 48,000 L$.
I had gone from renting the smallest one-room beach house property for 300 L$ a week, which happily coincided with my stipend from my premium account, to paying a tier of 4400 L$ per week on an island with enough room to build and furnish a large 3 bedroom house. I downgraded to a basic account, but I still felt the need to pay my way with the house. She was paying every other week, but I was still spending more than I was comfortable with.
Then there were the children. When we decided to get "married" in Second Life, we immediately started working on a family. That was the fun part. The pregnancy was fun too. We made appointments with the birthing clinic, got sonograms of the growing "baby" and went out and bought lots of furniture. That lead to the larger house on a larger piece of land. She had to buy maternity clothes and sensible, comfortable shoes. I bought a "Dad 2B" shirt. The fun ended after the "baby" was born.
Prim babies are boring. Adopting children is no better. We tried seven times to find a son or daughter. We spent a lot of money on children's furniture and playground toys. We would adopt a child and then they weren't on when we were. We wouldn't hear or see them for days or weeks. Just like a real marriage, children will not hold it together. At first I wanted it, the idea of children. But in the end it was just a waste of time.
And then there was real life. It has a nasty habit of getting in the way with your fantasy, Walter Mitty life. I've been staying longer hours after work. We started going to the YMCA to exercise in the evenings. And I had made promise to myself, my wife, and my therapist that I would cut down on my time in Second Life.
My SL wife had problems too. I would spend night after night waiting for her. I didn't know that the guy that she said was her RL brother was really her RL boyfriend and now they were breaking up after years together. I knew she had medical problems, but she didn't talk about her constant cough or other things. She would get depressed and not talk for days. In the end she told me she had tried suicide. I knew nothing until she was out of the hospital. She complained that I abandoned her, but she had been slowly cutting me out of her life. Maybe not intentionally, but it left me lonely.
My favorite place is Morris. We have a large group of friends there, but she stopped going. She stopped wanting to see the same people that I still enjoy being with. All those nights I waited for her. I sat in Morris for the company of my friends, but I dreaded the questions about her. How is she? When are you going to see her again? Is there something wrong? How is it going? I had no real answers.
One day one of my oldest and dearest friends asked me, "Harry, what are we doing here?"
Being my normal obtuse self, I replied, "Sitting on the wall. Wanna go dancing?"
"No, philosophically. What are you and I doing here?"
SL and the ones that are now gone. We laughed about some of the crazy things our small clique had done. We wondered what happened and why it wasn't any fun anymore. We decided that when our current partnerships ended, we would never do it again.
It was that moment I realized that my SL marriage was over. So I became a bastard.
When the woman I had loved for six months came online and she said let's go look for another child avatar to adopt, I said no. When she asked what was wrong, I said it was over. All the time she was crying and asking me what we could do to fix it, I wanted to say something, anything to make it better, but I was numb. It was if I had just shot myself and was watching it all in some disembodied way as the life drained out.
When she repeated an old accusation that I had been cheating on her. I denied it. I hadn't cheated. She told me how others had reported me leaving Morris at the same time other women had to go to a rendezvous somewhere I had logged off or transported to another sim when a girl pressed too hard for my attention. Her accusations were a response to her pain, but they hurt me too. I never cheated on her.
So that's it. That's my story. I'm not writing it for anyone to read. I wrote it for myself. I need to put it down so in time I can read it again and remember that anyone can be a heartless bastard. All he has to do is be selfish.
* I have been seeing a therapist to deal with depression and some other issues for a couple of years now. She felt hiding this relationship was harmful to my real life marriage and that if it bothered me enough to tell her, then I needed to make a change.
It took several tries, but I thought a found what I wanted. I partnered and married. We bought a house together. We got "pregnant", or at least she did, and we went through a 12 week pregnancy leading to a (prim) baby girl.
It should have been so good. I wish it had been. There were so many things that lead me to leave her. Yes, I was the bastard. I left her. We had gotten very close, but I was beginning to feel guilty about my real wife not knowing what I was doing. My SL wife even encouraged me to tell my real wife what I was doing. When I told my therapist* about it, she said I had to be truthful. I need to either tell my wife or end the relationship. I agonized about it. I didn't want to end the relationship. My SL wife was a sweet and loving woman. She needed me in her life and she filled a need in mine for intimacy that had faded away. The alternative of telling my real wife was risky. I might have to quit SL altogether if she demanded it. My real wife can be less than understanding at times.
"Hi Honey. Did I tell you I am having an online relationship with another woman? We are partnered and are having a simulated baby. Just thought you might want to know."
"No Dear. You didn't tell me. Here, let me give you an unsimulated head concussion."
Well I was very hesitant. It took me almost a month to get up the nerve. When I finally found a private moment, where she was in a good mood, I told her that I had an SL wife.
"I know," she replied coldly. Then she continued, "but what really bothers me is the amount of money you spend in THAT game."
With a huge sigh of relief I promised to stop spending so much money. I had not realized that over a period of three months I had spent about $120, around 48,000 L$.
I had gone from renting the smallest one-room beach house property for 300 L$ a week, which happily coincided with my stipend from my premium account, to paying a tier of 4400 L$ per week on an island with enough room to build and furnish a large 3 bedroom house. I downgraded to a basic account, but I still felt the need to pay my way with the house. She was paying every other week, but I was still spending more than I was comfortable with.
Then there were the children. When we decided to get "married" in Second Life, we immediately started working on a family. That was the fun part. The pregnancy was fun too. We made appointments with the birthing clinic, got sonograms of the growing "baby" and went out and bought lots of furniture. That lead to the larger house on a larger piece of land. She had to buy maternity clothes and sensible, comfortable shoes. I bought a "Dad 2B" shirt. The fun ended after the "baby" was born.
Prim babies are boring. Adopting children is no better. We tried seven times to find a son or daughter. We spent a lot of money on children's furniture and playground toys. We would adopt a child and then they weren't on when we were. We wouldn't hear or see them for days or weeks. Just like a real marriage, children will not hold it together. At first I wanted it, the idea of children. But in the end it was just a waste of time.
And then there was real life. It has a nasty habit of getting in the way with your fantasy, Walter Mitty life. I've been staying longer hours after work. We started going to the YMCA to exercise in the evenings. And I had made promise to myself, my wife, and my therapist that I would cut down on my time in Second Life.
My SL wife had problems too. I would spend night after night waiting for her. I didn't know that the guy that she said was her RL brother was really her RL boyfriend and now they were breaking up after years together. I knew she had medical problems, but she didn't talk about her constant cough or other things. She would get depressed and not talk for days. In the end she told me she had tried suicide. I knew nothing until she was out of the hospital. She complained that I abandoned her, but she had been slowly cutting me out of her life. Maybe not intentionally, but it left me lonely.
My favorite place is Morris. We have a large group of friends there, but she stopped going. She stopped wanting to see the same people that I still enjoy being with. All those nights I waited for her. I sat in Morris for the company of my friends, but I dreaded the questions about her. How is she? When are you going to see her again? Is there something wrong? How is it going? I had no real answers.
One day one of my oldest and dearest friends asked me, "Harry, what are we doing here?"
Being my normal obtuse self, I replied, "Sitting on the wall. Wanna go dancing?"
"No, philosophically. What are you and I doing here?"
SL and the ones that are now gone. We laughed about some of the crazy things our small clique had done. We wondered what happened and why it wasn't any fun anymore. We decided that when our current partnerships ended, we would never do it again.
It was that moment I realized that my SL marriage was over. So I became a bastard.
When the woman I had loved for six months came online and she said let's go look for another child avatar to adopt, I said no. When she asked what was wrong, I said it was over. All the time she was crying and asking me what we could do to fix it, I wanted to say something, anything to make it better, but I was numb. It was if I had just shot myself and was watching it all in some disembodied way as the life drained out.
When she repeated an old accusation that I had been cheating on her. I denied it. I hadn't cheated. She told me how others had reported me leaving Morris at the same time other women had to go to a rendezvous somewhere I had logged off or transported to another sim when a girl pressed too hard for my attention. Her accusations were a response to her pain, but they hurt me too. I never cheated on her.
So that's it. That's my story. I'm not writing it for anyone to read. I wrote it for myself. I need to put it down so in time I can read it again and remember that anyone can be a heartless bastard. All he has to do is be selfish.
* I have been seeing a therapist to deal with depression and some other issues for a couple of years now. She felt hiding this relationship was harmful to my real life marriage and that if it bothered me enough to tell her, then I needed to make a change.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Waiting...
In real life I am sitting in my easy chair watching Celtic Women on PBS and typing on my Laptop. In Second Life I am standing behind the bar at the Skyline Club and betting on the Sploder. But what I am really doing is waiting.
I miss my SL wife Grace. She was having electrical problems last night and was on only for a few minutes. Our SL baby is due on Sunday, March 21 and I am getting nervous.
We were together on Tuesday night for maybe an hour. I didn't see her again until Friday. I have a real life. Why am I so wrapped up in this other life?
Tomorrow if everything goes well, we will go to the clinic and Grace will deliver our prim baby, little Hannah. We bought a half sim and put our house there. That's where we plan to raise our little family. Until then I'll wait.
I miss my SL wife Grace. She was having electrical problems last night and was on only for a few minutes. Our SL baby is due on Sunday, March 21 and I am getting nervous.
We were together on Tuesday night for maybe an hour. I didn't see her again until Friday. I have a real life. Why am I so wrapped up in this other life?
Tomorrow if everything goes well, we will go to the clinic and Grace will deliver our prim baby, little Hannah. We bought a half sim and put our house there. That's where we plan to raise our little family. Until then I'll wait.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Playing House
I haven't talk about my relationships in awhile except to talk about friends who are gone. But my second life has been changing again.
I met Grace in November. She didn't think I liked her because I was a bit cool when she said something about another girl I know. But a mutual friend got us talking and we discovered that we really liked each other.
We dated and our avatars fell in love. We got engaged, but then decided we couldn't wait to get married and eloped on December 20. Grace bought a pregnancy HUD and within a week her avatar was pregnant. Well that's a brief summary of the past few months.
So how's my second life? Some people become builders, others artists and musicians. Some folks operate clubs or other businesses. On the other end of the scale, some folks are vampires, or animals, or aliens from outer space. What am I? I'm a father-to-be with a house and mortgage (the tier payment). My second life is imitating real life.
We found a better place to live. We built one house and are planning to build a bigger one for our growing family. We go to the birthing clinic for regular checkups. Grace takes vitamins, and drinks her juice and eats right. All the while her belly has grown as we wait for her due date in March.
Some people are really interested in our progress. Although lots of people get married in SL and even have families by adopting child avatars, not as many go through the process and expense of an SL pregnancy. Grace and I want the full experience though. We will have a prim baby who we will raise for awhile and then adopt a child to replace the baby.
I guess we are just playing house.
I met Grace in November. She didn't think I liked her because I was a bit cool when she said something about another girl I know. But a mutual friend got us talking and we discovered that we really liked each other.
We dated and our avatars fell in love. We got engaged, but then decided we couldn't wait to get married and eloped on December 20. Grace bought a pregnancy HUD and within a week her avatar was pregnant. Well that's a brief summary of the past few months.
So how's my second life? Some people become builders, others artists and musicians. Some folks operate clubs or other businesses. On the other end of the scale, some folks are vampires, or animals, or aliens from outer space. What am I? I'm a father-to-be with a house and mortgage (the tier payment). My second life is imitating real life.
We found a better place to live. We built one house and are planning to build a bigger one for our growing family. We go to the birthing clinic for regular checkups. Grace takes vitamins, and drinks her juice and eats right. All the while her belly has grown as we wait for her due date in March.
Some people are really interested in our progress. Although lots of people get married in SL and even have families by adopting child avatars, not as many go through the process and expense of an SL pregnancy. Grace and I want the full experience though. We will have a prim baby who we will raise for awhile and then adopt a child to replace the baby.
I guess we are just playing house.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Auld Lang Syne
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind ?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and old lang syne ?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
Friends come and go. I have a couple of friends who I have known since my high school years, so very long ago. We rarely see each other anymore, yet we are still friends. We will always be friends. If either of these men called me today asking for help, I would do whatever I could without question.
These are real life (RL) friends. How are they different from virtual friends, people I have never met face-to-face? What makes a friendship... virtual or otherwise? Friends are people who shared common interests, who have shared experiences, They have shared their hopes and dreams with each other, their fears, their laughter and their tears. I really don't know what, if any, is the difference between a friend I've made online and a friend I made in real life.
Except that virtual friends disappear so suddenly that it hurts. I've lost two friends in the past month. One I have heard rumors about why she dropped out of sight. I think I understand what happened and why. The other friend had been getting more distant from not just me, but lots of people for quite awhile. She came online more and more infrequently. Then one day she was gone. I miss spending time with both of them. Both of them are incredible sweet and caring ladies who I have shared many good times and laughs with. They both are friends who I will miss and hope I will see again one day.
So let’s go back to the question of RL versus virtual friends. Well RL friends are real. Right? I mean if you are my friend in RL I can see you, hear you, feel you, smell you. I know more about you than just what I have learned in conversations. A virtual friend is just as insubstantial as the pixel drawn world they inhabit. What's behind the avatar? What is the person really like? Are they sincere? Are they honest? Can they be trusted?
The irony of life in the virtual world is that, for some of us, it is an escape from a real world where we have few friends and real lives that we are anxious to escape for a few hours. Sadly we put more effort in creating a new persona in the virtual world rather than rebuilding our real lives. I spent way too much time doing that before I realized that I could never be the person I created and recreated myself again. The avatar may be tall and lean, two things I am not, but the personality is ME. I have spent nearly two years in Second Life now and I think I have come to terms with it and my real life.
The thing I haven't come to terms with is losing a friend. To me real or virtual, a friend is a friend, and each one is precious to me.
We two have paddled in the stream,
from morning sun till dine ;
But seas between us broad have roared
since auld lang syne.
And there’s a hand my trusty friend !
And give us a hand o’ thine !
And we’ll take a right good-will draught,
for auld lang syne.
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Happy Thanksgiving
We Americans celebrate Thanksgiving on Thursday. I just want to say to anyone who may be reading my blog that I am thankful for my friends in Second Life. I never have played the "game" very well, but I am sincere in my desire to make others happy when I can.
So thanks to Allison, Crystal, Dana, Danger, Dany, Cliff, Xanadu, Wicked, Grace, Jadee, Jan, Kane, Cyrus, Kharma, LadyAlpha, Lili, Mudpile, Valerie, Lola101, Lonely, Paige, Pella, Monarch, Pat, Prudence, Sandie, Talatha, Warm, Fay, Crompton, Digital, Anthony, Issableau, and Suzy.
Thank you for talking to me, for helping to make me laugh, for tolerating my stupid remarks and my, more than occasional, depression. Thanks.
I know I am forgetting some, because you are not all in my friends list, yet you are my friends.
In real life I'll be raking leaves over the next few days, helping to prepare the feast on Thursday, and spending time with family. I hope you are taking time to spend time with your families too. -Harry
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